
Deception Tip 18:
Liars often use distancing language when speaking about someone they would like to avoid being associated with.
Example: That man instead of his name.
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Podcast Transcript
Hello, and welcome to the Deception Tips Podcast, where you will learn amazing cues to detect deceit that will help you read people like never before. Iโm your host, Spencer Coffman. Letโs get started.
Welcome to another episode of the Deception Tips Podcast. This is episode 18. If youโre enjoying this podcast, I encourage you to leave a review. It really helps me out and it helps get other people to find and discover this great podcast. So, take the time to do that. It only takes a few minutes and Iโd really appreciate it.
Last time, we talked about a cool thing that you can notice when people are telling their stories. We talked about how liars often use more details in their stories than truth-tellers.ย
One of the main reasons for this is because they are trying to convince, not only the target but also themselves of the lie. As a result, theyโre using detail after detail to try to paint a more vivid picture.
And, the reason this is done is speculated because when we read fiction books, we see that imagination going. We see those vivid pictures painted for us so that we can really get into the story and put ourselves there.ย
We can see and feel exactly whatโs happening and exactly what the author is trying to tell us. It only makes sense then that, when weโre telling a fictitious story, we naturally incorporate those details as well because thatโs what weโre used to.ย
So, when people lie, they include a lot of details. And, thatโs something for you to pay attention to and watch out for. Liars try to convince themselves and the target of their lie. That is a very important point.
Use other tactics that weโve learned, such as accepting lies- like liars will accept a lie that you tell them. So, give them some details. Start to pretend you believe their story in order to get them to divulge more or to run with the details that you give them.ย
You could give them an entirely fictitious detail that you know is a lie and then they will start to run with that. And then you could say, โWell! I know theyโre lying now because the thing I gave them was completely a lie and now theyโre incorporating it into their story and going on and on about it.โ Now you know theyโre lying.
Today, we are going to talk about a different sign of deception that weโve hinted at a couple of times before. And, it happens all the time when people get involved in scandals, or when there are accusations of dealing with people and they lie about whether or not they dealt with them, or did business with them, or are involved with them, etcetera.ย
Today, we are going to talk about something called โdistancing language.โ Now, distancing language is when people use certain words in a certain way to separate themselves from certain individuals. Examples of this would be โthat manโ or โthat womanโโโโsomething along those lines.
So, here it is, Deception Tip 18: Liars often use distancing language when speaking about someone they would like to avoid being associated with. Example: โthat manโ instead of his name. Here it is again. Deception Tip 18: Liars often use distancing language when speaking about someone they would like to avoid being associated with. Example: โthat manโ instead of his name.
We see this all the time with sexual scandals, typically involving politicians. One Iโm sure comes to mind for you because weโve talked about it before. And, in his statement, there are so many lying behaviors that it was obvious he was lying. This was the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal when he says, โI did not have sexual relations with that woman.โ *sound bite*
When weโve talked about this before, Iโve pointed out many signs. Youโll notice his hand gestures if you watch the video clip on YouTube. You can see his pointing gesture. We talked about how gestures and speech need to be in unison.ย
They need to be congruent with one another. They should happen at the same time. They need to be symmetrical and simultaneous. This was in episode 12 when we talked about simultaneous gestures. When people use their body language to emphasize what theyโre saying their arms, their fingers, or whatever needs to point and move at the same time theyโre saying words.ย
If you watch the video clip again on YouTube about Bill Clinton when he said that, youโll notice that his fingers were a little bit off with what he was saying.
In addition, when you listen to the audio, you will hear the โdid notโ where he separates that out. We talked about that a long time ago in episode number 5 when we talked about contractions and how liars often separate the contraction to create more emphasis on their statement. So, when he said โdid notโ that could be a lying gesture or a lying behavior.
In addition, the final one he used- and there could be more if you look at his face or other things/different body language- but the final one that we can talk about right now is when he said, โthat woman.โ He distanced himself from her by saying, โthat woman.โย
The normal scenario would have said, โNo. I didnโt have sexual relations with Monica,โ or, โwith Miss Lewinsky,โ or whatever. But he called her, โthat woman.โ And, this happens a lot when you see distancing language in politicians and also in the workplace or in business deals where people would say, โOh. I would never associate with that man.โ Or, โI would never think about going into business with that person.โ Examples like that where people distance themselves from other people.
Now, when they do use those distancing terms sometimes it can be true. Such as, โI would never go into business with that person.โ Well, thatโs probably the truth because you havenโt gone into business with them yet, but you are distancing yourself from them.ย
So, when people use distancing language in a lie it is an attempt to mirror the truthful distancing language that people use. Itโs an attempt to make people better believe those lies because distancing language is used, by definition, to distance people.
So, if I say, โI would never go into business with that person.โ Well, that means that number 1: I really donโt like that person because I didnโt use their name, or I didnโt use their business name.ย
Obviously, I donโt like them. And by saying โthat personโ instead of their company, or their firm or whatever, that tells you that I donโt like them. But then I say that I would never go into business with them, which emphasizes again the fact that I donโt like them.
Why wouldnโt I go into business with them? Well, there could be a number of reasons. Maybe I do like them, but that would be why I donโt go into business with them because weโre friends.ย
But then, I would not say โthat person.โ I would usually say, โWell, I would never go into business with my friend.โ Or, โI would never go into business with them because heโs my friend.โ You wouldnโt distance yourself from them.
Distancing language is typically done when the circumstances are not favorable: when you donโt like that person, you donโt get along, etcetera. So, this is a huge deal because when distancing language is used in truth it is a separator.ย
It is distant from them. But when it is used in lying, itโs often to cover up the fact that they have done something together and they are trying to distance themselves. Weโre going to talk a lot more about this, coming up next.
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It is important to note that distancing language can be a natural part of speech and behavior when it is used in certain circumstances. However, when it is used it is really something that shouldnโt be used at all because itโs a distance. It puts a separation and walls between you, or whoever is speaking, and the people they are speaking about.
For example, when people often join a new job, or they start to start a new term on a board, or an elderโs group, or something like that, when theyโve joined a board of directors, oftentimes new members will use distancing language when talking about the group.ย
Theyโll say, โyou guysโ or certain things that theyโre really not a part of. Thatโs indicating that theyโre still not used to being there. They use distancing language when they first join that board.
Now, as they start to identify more with that organization and that group, they start to make some friends, they start to feel like theyโre part of the elders, or they start to feel that their opinion matters, then they start using more inclusive language. Such as things like, โweโ or โourโ or โusโ- things like that. They start to call it โtheirโ stuff. Whereas, when theyโre not, they start using more distancing language until they feel comfortable.
This is important because that is natural for people to experience and for people to do. Until they feel like theyโre a part of whatever group theyโre in, they use distancing language because theyโre still talking about a group that they donโt feel like they belong in.ย
So, they feel distant from them. This is very important. A good tip: when adding new members or when adding people to your group, use inclusive terms and encourage them to feel welcome and to feel like theyโre a part of it so they donโt use that distancing language.
Now, itโs not a lie when they use it because they truly donโt feel like theyโre a part of that. So, this is a very, very good indicator. When people use distancing language, in normal conversation or when theyโre talking about something theyโre involved in, pay attention to that because if theyโre using that, then unconsciously they may not feel like they belong there. Or they may not feel like they are a valuable part of that group or a valued member.
So, if you are in that group, what can you do to make them feel like they belong or make them feel a little more valuable? Theyโre using distancing language for a reason and if itโs not because theyโre lying, then itโs because they truly donโt feel like they belong.ย
So, make them feel welcome. Make them feel like they belong. Either that or kick them out because then they donโt belong or they donโt want to belong. Whatever the case may be. Itโs either feels like they donโt belong or they donโt want to belong and theyโre tired of being there. Either way, something needs to be done to change that distancing language so that it becomes more natural.
And, when people lie, as we said, they use distancing language to purposefully distance themselves from the situation. โI would never go to that place.โ โI would never eat at that establishment.โ Instead of, โI would never go to (whatever restaurant)โ Or, โI would never eat at Burger King.โ Or whatever examples you want to put in.
In addition, a lot of times people who are invested in certain situations and are talking with other people- maybe theyโre talking with someone who isnโt involved in that situation.ย
So, for example, letโs say you are a board on an ABC corporation. Youโre a board member and youโre talking with someone else whoโs maybe working with that corporation, or who works there, and theyโre not a board member.ย
But yet, thereโs a conversation about some kind of board function, or a little party, a meet-and-greet, or something and you say, โWell, maybe we should have a beer at that place.โ And they say, โOh! We totally should!โ Theyโre really not included in your board, but youโre talking about โwe,โ as in youโre going to bring them and help them feel included. Thatโs normal.
Whereas, oftentimes, it could be something like, โWe should have a beer at that party.โ โWell, Iโm not a part of that board, so I shouldnโt.โ Thatโs a distance.ย
Pay attention to that because if they use things like inclusive terms such as โour,โ โwe,โ and โtogether,โ โus,โ then you know that they can be a part of it. They feel like theyโre a part of it. They feel like they belong. Now, this is unconscious.
In addition, thatโs more truthful. Itโs more honest. Itโs more a sense of unison. Itโs belongingness. Whereas, on the other hand, if they use terms like โhis,โ โher,โ โthat,โ and other distancing language then you know that they donโt feel like theyโre a part of it.ย
Or, it could be something where they could be lying and they may not feel like they belong or theyโre just not telling the truth and they donโt want to belong. Theyโre separating themselves from that.
A common example would be something like, if someone is a board member and theyโre talking to another board member or a group, and they say, โWhen is your annual meeting?โ Well, youโre a part of the board. It should be โWhen is our annual meeting?โย
So, you know somethingโs not right. They donโt feel like they belong there. So, a little tip for you is when you join a group or an organization, or you start to get involved with other people, or you have a team or anything like that, start using more inclusive language.
If you hear people using some distancing language within that group, counter it with โweโ or โourโ or โusโ or things like that. Or, if someone says that they want to be distant, or theyโre using that distancing language implying.ย
Saying like, โWhy donโt you do this?โ Or how about, โYou guys do that,โ and youโre still a part of it, you could counter that with your own distancing language, such as, โYeah, you should.โ And then theyโll kind of realize, โWell, yeah. I shouldnโt be putting everything on everybody else.โ Instead, it should be โusโ and โwe.โ
So, use those and follow up all the time. If people start to be distant and theyโre not fully committed- because their language will reflect their commitment to that group. So, if you see that, correct people. Say, โYeah. You should do this.โ Or, if they say โyou should,โ say, โUh, we should.โ Because they need to know that theyโre a part of that group and they belong to that group and that they are an important part of that group.
And when people are lying pay very, very close attention to the distancing language because itโs happening for some reason. And, usually, when itโs lying, it will be along the lines of โthat woman,โ and โthat person,โ and youโll also hear it in the tone of their voice.ย
Theyโre going to say things, usually with the term โthat.โ Or, โI would never do anything with that person.โ Itโs not going to be, โI would never do anything with her,โ because โherโ is more of a- itโs closer. Theyโre going to use a farther out term such as โthat personโ, or โthat business,โ or โthat establishment,โ etcetera.
So, keep that in mind. The point is always to pay attention to distancing language. If you see it, or if you hear it happen, then look for other behaviors as well because, if there arenโt any other behaviors present, itโs more of a possibility that they are truly feeling distant from whatever theyโre talking about, and maybe something needs to change. If there are other behaviors present, then you know theyโre lying and something can be done about that as well.
I want to thank you for listening to this weekโs episode of the Deception Tips Podcast. I encourage you to share it with your friends, subscribe to the feed, follow the Deception Tips Blog, and take a look at the books I have available. And, as always, tune in next week for a new Deception Tip.
Video Transcript
Hey guys, my name is Spencer Coffman. Thank you for tuning in to theย Deception Tips videos, theyโre all about teaching you how to read people and detect deception so that you will be able to tell if someone is lying to you.
Today, we are going to talk about some cool examples of deception and body language. That is something where it happens quite often, and you may or may not have seen it before, and in addition, when you do see it, when it does happen, you donโt really know that itโs deception, because it sounds like a natural part of speech. Itโs when people start to separate themselves from certain situations and certain people. Itโs called distancing language.
When people start to use this type of language, theyโre distancing themselves from whatever is taking place or whatever is about to take place, or whomever else is involved in the situation. It tells you that they really donโt want to be involved, they have no identification with those people, or they want to convey that they have no identification with those people.
So here it is, this is deception tip number 18. โLiars often use distancing language when speaking about someone they would like to avoid being associated with. Example: That man instead of his name.
So now this could happen with anything. It could be โthat man,โ โthat person,โ โthat woman,โ โthat kid,โ etc. But itโs instead of their name. Typically, when talking about other people, you would use their name. Or you would say my friend, or my whatever, business partner, or my spouse, my wife, my husband, Etc., my kid. You would use kind of more of an identification type of noun or pronoun to identify that person. Whereas if you use a distancing language, such as that man, or that woman, or that kid, that is separating yourself from that person.
Usually, we use names, we say, โyeah, yesterday my friend John and I, we went down to the beach and it was absolutely packed.โ Instead, if you use something like, โyeah, that person and I were at the beach.โ Now you kind of know that thereโs a little bit of an attitude about that, like, โthat person and I? Wow, like, what did he do to make me mad?โ Type of a thing.
In addition, when people are in business negotiations or are asked to buy stuff, or do things with certain places, now this could be in consumer, like you could go to Walmart or Target or whatever, and some people might say, โoh, I would never shop at that place, or I would never eat at that restaurant,โ things like that. That is distancing themselves from that particular establishment or that business.
In addition, this can happen in the financial world where people will say, โoh, we would never do business with that organization, or we would never give them our business.โ Something like that. Theyโre using those โthatโs, themโsโ separation, and theyโre distancing themselves from the situation. Theyโre not identifying with that.
Now this is typically, also can be seen like, if you were to join a new board or a new group, or something like that, until you start to feel like you identify with that group, youโre going to call it like, โoh, that organization, or that meeting, or that board.โ But then eventually, as you start to identify it, youโll start to use more identification language, like โour board, or our group, or our meeting.โ Or, โYeah, come over to our church,โ or something like that, instead of โyeah, that church, or the church over here.โ Those are separations. So this is important in two ways.
Number one is when people lie, they tend to separate themselves from the person or the situation in which they are placed. So, for example, โwere you at such-and-such location yesterday?โ โOh, I would never go there.โ Or, โI would never go to that place.โ Theyโre separating themselves from that. They kind of further enhance their alibi. Or, โwere you with so and so last night?โ โOh, I would never be seen with that person,โ type of a thing.
Then the other side of this is when people are joining groups, or when thereโs teamwork happening, or employees or something like that, if theyโre using distancing language, then you know that they donโt feel like they belong in a part of that group. So, therefore, either they donโt want to belong and they maybe need to get the boot, or they are not sure how they fit in, and then something needs to be done to kind of make them feel like they belong there. Either way, itโs when people are separating themselves, itโs a red flag.
Now, thereโs a very, very famous political thing that happened with this, and it was with distancing language. Iโve talked about it in the podcast, so you can check that out, or if you already know what it is, you can check it out online, but Iโm not going to say what it is here, because you can check that out on your own.
If this is your first time watching these videos, I would love to have you subscribe to the YouTube channel. In addition, leave any comments you may have with questions or anything like that. Also, if youโd like some more information, weโveย got books,ย podcasts, andย blog postsย all available onย SpencerCoffman.comย that are completely dedicated to teaching you what every body is really saying.
Until next time.