
Deception Tip 88:
When calling out a lie, ask yourself whether or not the truth really matters in that situation.
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Podcast Transcript
Hello and welcome to the Deception Tips podcast where you will learn amazing cues to detect deceit that will help you read people like never before. Iโm your host Spencer Coffman, letโs get started.
Hello and welcome to episode number 88 of the Deception Tips podcast. Last week, we talked all about display rules and how people learn to lie as they get older. Theyโre taught to lie by their parents, grandparents, peers, and those around them. Of course, children are born inherently with a devious nature, you have to teach them how to be good, they know how to be bad, itโs inherent in us.
However, lying is something that yes, they may know how to do it when theyโre little and it may be born in them but they are not really good at it until they grow older.ย
Thatโs pretty obvious because as they grow older, they obviously lie a little bit more, and then they have more practice, and practice makes perfect. That doesnโt mean you should go out and practice lying though, you should practice telling the truth.
As children grow up, theyโre taught to lie through these display rules, such as receiving a present from a grandmother. You teach the kid, hey, you need to be polite, you need to say thank you, even though you donโt like it, or you didnโt want it or it wasnโt what you were asking for, like a pair of socks, I hated getting those on Christmas.
Things like food, when youโre at the meal table or youโre at someoneโs house, if you tell your children, you say, hey, I know youโre going to go over to little Tommyโs tonight. If they cook you something that you donโt like, be polite, donโt say itโs gross, tell them youโre full, eat everything else. You teach them to be polite and that is deception, that is lying.
Again, we brought up the question of, okay, well, should they tell the truth in those circumstances? Probably not. Why? Well, because what would be the point of telling the truth, saying, you know what, this food is terrible, Iโm not going to eat it, that is very rude, inconsiderate, and just not nice. So, instead of being blatantly obvious or telling the truth that way, you could find a nicer way, to tell the truth.
You eat the rest of the food on the plate and you say, you know what, Iโve had enough. You have had enough because you donโt want any more of that other stuff thatโs on your plate. There are ways where you can tell the truth and still tell them that you donโt want whatever it is.
For example, the story last time of the little kid did you like my play or my joke, I think was the example. You say you know what? I like it when you told it but if anyone else would tell it, I wouldnโt like it. Okay, you donโt like the joke, but because they told it and you like them, you told them that without breaking their hearts, saying no, it was a terrible joke. You do not need to be an insensitive jerk.
Today weโre talking about a tip that is similar, although this is on the other hand. Instead of being polite and lying or telling these polite lies or socializing or learning lies, this is on Calling Out Lies. So, youโve had a lot of practice reading people, learning body language, and understanding deception. Why have you had a lot of practice? Come on, this is episode 88.
Hopefully, youโve been listening to all the others, thatโs 87 plus the trailer, youโve probably listened to 88 episodes already. In addition, if youโre really avid, you probably read The Deception Tips book, The Deception Tips Revised and Expanded, A Guide to Deception, maybe even have looked at all the blog posts. You could have even possibly watched all the videos as well, so you really have a lot of practice at this, not to mention if youโve studied anybody elseโs stuff.
Therefore, what are you doing with all of that knowledge, all of that practice? Are you looking around and calling out everybodyโs lie? How are you doing today, sir? Oh, Iโm great. Ah, I donโt think youโre doing too great, you did this and this, which means there might be some deception there.
How do you like my cooking? Oh, itโs awesome. Oh, I donโt think so, I saw a little disgust on your face when you said that. Are you calling out every single lie you see? Well, hopefully not but either way, we are going to talk about that today and whether or not you should or shouldnโt be pointing out all of these little lies and whether or not itโs important.
So, without further ado, here it is, this is Deception Tip number 88. When calling out a lie, ask yourself whether or not the truth really matters in that situation. Here it is again, Deception Tip number 88. When calling out a lie, ask yourself whether or not the truth really matters in that situation. So, this is important. When you are calling out lies, you need to make sure that it matters.
Things like whether or not someone enjoyed their food or whether or not someone is really doing well, may not matter. However, if itโs someone that you care about and you want to know whatโs going on and they say theyโre fine and you read on them, oh, well they say theyโre fine but you know what, deep down inside, I can see that they want to talk.
So, you could say, okay, well whatโs going on? Then they would start to spill their guts for you because you read their body language and you understood that theyโre not fine, something else is going on.ย
So, now you got to the root of the matter, they said fine, which was a lie and it was a polite, social lie because they donโt want to burden everybody with their problems. You prodded and you asked them to and then they unload it on you, so that would be one way.
Another thing is letโs go back to the food example. If you have a child and theyโre your kid, theyโre a guest or someone you care about and you can see that maybe they donโt like that food but theyโre trying to be polite, theyโre a good kid. Theyโre eating it, theyโre saying, no thank you, please, can I have some more of this and all that stuff.
You see that maybe theyโre not liking that and you watch their body language, you could say, you know what would you like me to make you a peanut butter sandwich to go with that? Maybe they would or you could maybe offer something else, would you like some more of this because you saw that they really liked the mashed potatoes on the table.
Hey, would you like some more mashed potatoes? You donโt have to eat that other stuff, you could have all the potatoes you want and that little kid will light up and be happy. You saw that they were being polite, they didnโt really like the food, you donโt have to call them out in the lie and say, hey, why donโt you like my cooking? Whatโs the matter with you, Iโm not a good cook?
That poor kid is going to be barraged with a ton of questions that they donโt want to answer because theyโre going to feel uncomfortable and they havenโt had that practice. Anybody would, you challenge an adult like that and theyโre going to lose their mind, itโs not normal for them. So, the question is whether or not you should be always calling out lies every time you see them.
You can still call them out nicely as I did there, instead of saying, whatโs the matter with you, you donโt like my cooking or Iโm not a good cook, you donโt want to eat that? You could say, hey, would you like to have some more potatoes? You donโt have to eat that other stuff. So, you called out their lie because they were being deceptive about the food but you did it in a nice way and gave them something else.
You can do these things nicely, you just need to think about them and thatโs all it really is. If you can read people and understand their body language, you are achieving a new level of insight into the human condition. Youโre starting to care more about other people. Why are you caring more? Well, because now you know what theyโre truly feeling.
If you know and understand what theyโre feeling then youโll be able to meet or achieve, express, see, and understand the needs that they have. Itโs your choice whether or not you are going to help them achieve those needs. Weโre going to talk a lot more about all of this coming up right after this.
People are always being fooled by lies because they donโt know how to spot them. When more people like the Deception Tips Facebook page, fewer people will be fooled by lies.
Welcome back to Deception Tip episode number 88, where we are talking about whether or not it is right or wrong or important, or whether or not it even matters that you call out every single lie you see. If you notice a lie, should you point it out and say the truth, should you call people out on their lies every time?
Well, it goes hand in hand, itโs back and forth, two sides of the coin, one side says yes, because people need to be honest. People need to know that you can spot their lies so that thereโs no point in them lying to you. On the other hand, you donโt want to be an insensitive jerk thatโs always pointing out every time someone is lying.
You go to a meeting and someone says, hey, howโs it going? Youโre watching this conversation and they say, oh yeah, blah, blah, blah and you say, ah ah ah, thatโs not what happened, I know youโre lying on that.ย
Well, now you just made them look bad in front of whoever theyโre talking to and the person that theyโre talking to probably doesnโt care whether or not you pointed out a little, insignificant lie.
Thatโs the key to this entire matter here, so is it important that you call out all the lies? No. Is it important that you call out the bigger lies? Yes. So, if you remember, last week we spoke of high stake and low stake lies. We used other terms, significant, insignificant, harmful, malicious, unimportant, all kinds of different quotes or terms, white lies, polite lies, social lies.
So, basically, anything that is a low stake lie, which is those lies that are polite, and social. How are you doing today? Did you like the food? How do you like my haircut?ย
Theyโre white lies, those are really not that important. Does it really matter if people know the truth in that situation? If your answer is yes then it is important, maybe itโs important to you or maybe itโs important to someone else around you.
However, in general, those polite and social lies, theyโre not life dependent, itโs not a life-or-death situation, itโs not going to ruin someoneโs career, theyโre just embarrassment.ย
So, whether or not itโs important for you to embarrass someone or to not embarrass someone, is up to you. For me, I let a lot of those lies go even though I may know something else is going on.
Sometimes Iโll even go up to the person afterward, privately, and say, hey, you said you were fine but I donโt know if I believe it, whatโs going on, and see if they want to open up to you. If they say everything is fine, theyโre not ready to talk or they donโt want to talk to you. You could even tell them, you know what, I can see something is going on, you donโt want to talk to me.
Thatโs fine but I encourage you to talk to somebody, do something about it, and donโt just hold it in. They might say, go take a hike or tell you to shove off but youโve at least expressed it and youโve shown them that you care.ย
So, someday, if they are ready to talk, theyโll come to you. Thatโs all you have to worry about is in the minute, you donโt need to embarrass everybody every single time they lie.
On the other hand, high stakes lie, now weโre talking serious business, blackmail, extortion, lying to save lives, covering up murder or other crimes, things like that. Are these important to uncover? Well, chances are most of you listening to this do not have to deal with high-stake lies on a daily basis. However, if you do, then you need to judge each situation differently.
Are you going to save lives or take lives? Are you going to catch bad guys or harm good guys? So, the question really is which side are you on? If you want to catch the bad guys, then yes, you probably need to expose some lies.ย
If you have a suspect in custody and theyโre lying and you want to find out who robbed the grocery store, who solved the murder, who has the drugs or the shipment of guns, or whatever industry you are in.
If youโre in law enforcement, then yes, it is a good idea to expose those lies, call out that person, and get them to tell the truth, thatโs what this whole podcast has been about.ย
However, if youโre in the world of espionage or politics and the things that you reveal may ruin someoneโs career or end someoneโs life, well then you need to think a little bit more on that one.
Is the personโs career youโre ruining, do they need to be removed from their position? If yes, well, by who, on what authority? Thatโs something that you really have to think about because if itโs just a personal vendetta then thatโs wrong but if there are other reasons maybe itโs something worth pursuing. How about whose life would be ended by some lie being revealed? That is something that people in the government are all too careless about.
They say theyโre only humans or theyโre just boots on the ground. These are human lives weโre talking about, theyโre lying to cover up their own CYA and other people are paying the price.ย
What is the price of revealing or telling a lie? Usually, itโs telling lies but if they get called out, now that person is in trouble and those lives maybe could be saved, so thereโs a good argument for calling out lies.
People in espionage lie all the time and they have to, to save their lives and other peopleโs lives. If youโre a co-agent with them and you see that theyโre lying, are you going to call out their lie in front of the enemy and both of you get executed? I donโt think so.
So, each thing is really on a case-by-case basis and youโre best to use your best judgment. Each time though, you need to think about it, high stake or low stake lies, high stakes lies you have to be careful with, low stake lies, are probably not worth it.
So, I want to thank you for listening to this weekโs episode of the Deception Tips podcast. I hope that youโll share it with your friends, subscribe to the feed, check out the Deception Tips videos, the blog, and take a look at the books I have available, and, as always, tune in next week for a new deception tip.
Video Transcript
Hey guys, my name is Spencer Coffman, thank you for watching theย Deception Tips videos. Theyโre all about teaching you how to read people and detect deception so that you will be able to tell if someone is lying to you. Today, we are going to talk about a tip that is very closely related to the one we talked about last week, you can check it out in a card up here.
Weโre going to talk about whether itโs important to call out liars and when itโs important. Sometimes, people may be lying and the truth in that situation may be that it doesnโt even matter, so itโs up to you. If you can spot these lies, hopefully, you can through all of these deception tips weโve been learning about, youโre able to see the truth and spot the lies.
Whether or not you are going to call it out, this is a heavy burden that you have on you because youโre able to see things that not everybody else can see, youโre understanding these things that not everyone else can understand. So, now that you have this new light or this new knowledge, what are you going to do with that? Are you going to use it to hurt people or are you going to use it to help people?
Are you just going to use it to have a broadened awareness of the world and keep it to yourself? Itโs really up to you but it can hit you hard. So, thatโs what weโre talking about today and here it is, this is Deception Tip number 88. When calling out a lie, ask yourself whether or not the truth really matters in that situation. So, this is probably the most important tip of the entire thing.
This is the one that is going to have the greatest impact on you and those around you, whether or not the truth matters and what youโre going to do about that. If you observe two people having a conversation, maybe someone is bringing someone some candy and they said, โWow, thank you so much for this candy, I really appreciate it.โ You happen to know that the person receiving the candy is allergic to chocolate and they just received some chocolate.
Are you going to say, โHey, youโre allergic to chocolate, you canโt have thatโ and youโre going to make the person who gave it feel bad, why would you do that? The person who received the chocolate most likely knows theyโre allergic to chocolate. If you know and they just said, wow, thank you I really appreciate it, you probably know theyโre not going to eat the chocolate.
Theyโre just taking it to be polite and theyโll probably re-gift that later or give it to their mom or their siblings or whatever the case may be. Is it up to you in that instance to call out that lie, that polite lie? Remember last time we talked about display rules and being polite, so is it up to you to call that out or to let it go, does it matter? Thatโs what you have to ask yourself, in that situation, did that lie matter?
For example, receiving a present is a good one, other things like how are you doing today, do you like my shirt, do you like my haircut, any of those types of conversational aspects. When someone is in a conversation like that, does it matter whether or not you call out that lie, is it important?
If itโs a life or death situation or if you say, how are you doing today, and they say good but you may know that theyโre not good, something might be going on, you may want to prod a little further. You donโt need to ask them in front of everybody, you can ask them privately, so you donโt embarrass them or cause other problems. So, just keep that in mind that as you start to see the truth all around you, it may not be wise to go ahead and point it out in every certain instance.
What youโre going to do is youโre going to embarrass people, youโre going to make other people feel uncomfortable. Youโre also going to seem like youโre a jerk because youโre just going around calling people out on every single thing that you make everybody feel crummy. So, thatโs no good for anybody, but if the truth matters to you, you can go up to them privately and then talk to them.
Now itโs between you and them, you didnโt expose it in front of everybody, you didnโt become a jerk, etc. Again, itโs up to you, but itโs very important, what are you going to do with the knowledge? Ask yourself, does the truth really matter in that situation before you call out any lie.
So, if this is your first time watching these videos, Iโd love to have youย subscribe to the channel on YouTubeย to learn more about all of the different tips and finding whether or not people are telling the truth. Feel free to comment below with any questions you may have as well. Also, if youโd like some more information, weโveย got books,ย podcasts, andย blog postsย all available onย spencercoffman.comย that are dedicated to teaching you exactly what every body is really saying.
Until next time.