Deception Tip 97:
Keep liars talking by identifying with their feelings then reflecting it back to them with a question.
Hello and welcome to the Deception Tips podcast where you will learn amazing cues to detect deceit that will help you read people like never before. I’m your host Spencer Coffman, let’s get it.
Hello and welcome to Deception Tip episode number 97. We are really progressing, thank you for your continued listening to the Deception Tips podcast. Last week, we spoke of a tip that is something liars may do and it’s something that pretty much every human does in general, we like to look around for social approval.
Now, that could be in a variety of different forms, it could be before answering a question such as when a child looks at a parent to answer a question from a stranger. They’re looking for the go-ahead, can I give them that answer or something where maybe the stakes are a little higher.
When a couple of people have a story to tell and they don’t know who’s going to tell the story or who’s going to speak, so they look at each other for the go-ahead, ‘you can tell it, no, I’ll tell it’, that kind of a thing. It can even be in terms of lying where a question is asked and someone looks at the other person for the signal.
What’s the answer going to be? You better answer and then I’ll do the same thing later, that sort of a thing. People look for this social approval when they are lying. It’s not always when they’re lying, so you obviously need to be on the lookout for patterns and clusters of behavior. Look for other signs of deception bundled up in that so that you’ll know for sure.
However, when you see this social approval, take a look at it and see what’s going on in that conversation. What’s happening in that situation? Examine the people, examine what they’re doing and who’s talking and who’s asking, and see if you can find out what type of approval it is.
I gave you that task last week to start paying attention in conversation and noticing when people look for that social approval. As I said, it can be before answering or before responding, it could also be after you give the response or you give an answer then you look around to see what other people think of your answer or your response.
It is like if you have a comeback to an argument or if you’re delivering a joke and you look around for that approval from the other people on the words that you spoke.
Again, it could be both ways but that’s why it’s important to check out the context of the situation so that you understand what’s going on and whether the approval is coming before giving an answer or after giving an answer.
Today, we’re going to talk about another tip that is important, it’s the only way that you can know for sure that they are telling you a lie. When they do this, you’ll know for certain that they are either lying or they are either telling the truth. I say that and it’s not an all-powerful tip, what it is, is that they’re talking. So, if they’re talking, you’ll know for sure that they’re either telling a lie or they’re telling the truth.
I know, it’s not what you expected but still, it is important, you need to keep them talking so that they will spill the beans. They’re either going to continue telling that lie or they will trip up and come to the truth.
We’ve talked about this several times over the past episodes that there are certain things you can do to keep liars talking or to allow them to speak, to get them to say more, or trip over their tongue.
One of them was in episode 69 where we said Become Silence, you need to just be quiet so that they will start talking because when you become silent, it creates that awkward pause. It’s strange, that silence where you don’t know what’s going on, and usually, a pause of about five to 10 seconds or more starts to become very awkward.
I paused there for one and a half seconds and it was still a little strange because you expect voices to be coming out of your speakers. However, if you do that in conversation, pause for five or so seconds, it will become awkward, and somebody will speak to fill the gap.
We also talked about something related to that in Deception Tip episode 13, Stay Silent. It was essentially the same thing but it was saying that you need to just be quiet from the get-go. The other one is Becoming Silent, if you’re talking, you just need to shut up. This one is to stay silent and let them speak because they have a story to tell.
Don’t interrupt them, don’t cut them off, don’t think about what you want to say and say it before they’re done speaking, let them tell the whole story. We’ve talked about that one other time with the importance of allowing them to tell their entire story and letting the liar continue to speak so that they will tell everything.
You can come back in later and ask certain questions that is happening or that you have in your head. You can pinpoint these certain things where you notice some deception or where you notice something, you allow them to tell the entire story. Again, today it’s going to be keeping the liars talking that’s important.
So, here it is, Deception Tip number 97. Keep liars talking by identifying with their feelings then reflecting it back to them with a question. Here it is again, Deception Tip number 97. Keep liars talking by identifying with their feelings then reflecting it back to them with a question.
This is the classic psychology chair approach. When someone is in the office seeing their doctor or shrink, they are telling their feelings, they’re speaking. The doctor is just sitting there, maybe a hand on the chin, legs crossed, notebook in hand, they’re sitting there listening.
As soon as it gets to a certain point and the patient pauses, the doctor says, ‘that’s very interesting, how does it make you feel when that happens?’ They give a non-question, it’s a question of reflecting back, it’s a reflection question.
When someone says, ‘man, it’s so frustrating when such and such happens’. They might say, ‘wow, I can understand, that’s really frustrating, tell me what you do in those circumstances. How do you act upon that frustration?’
So, they identified with their feelings of frustration, understanding, empathy, and sympathy, they got all that. Then they turn it and reverse it right back to them with, what do you do about it, how do you cope with it, what does it make you feel like doing or any of these things. It poses another question to get them to talk more.
So, that is how you can keep liars talking as well. You can identify with what they’re saying, switch it around, and point it right back to them as a question to get them to continue speaking. We’re going to talk a lot more about this and also about what type of question it is imperative that you use coming up right after this.
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Welcome back to Deception Tip episode number 97 where we are talking about how to keep liars talking. It is very important to keep them talking because if they don’t speak they’re never going to tell you the truth. You need to keep them talking so that they eventually will start to speak the truth.
They will have contradictions in their lies, you’ll be able to call them out and the truth will be heard. Before we took the break, we saw a little bit of a thing on how you can reflect the questions back to people. There was one thing very important about the type of question that you need to use when reflecting back.
Hopefully, you already know but the question that you want to use is an open-ended question. You want to phrase a question so they need to provide you with a narrative response, you’re not looking for a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer.
So, if you rephrase the question like, ‘wow, I understand, that’s really frustrating, does it make you feel angry when that happens?’ Well, now they can simply say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
Instead, you should say, ‘wow, I can understand, that’s really frustrating, how does it make you feel or what does it make you feel like doing when that happens?’ Obviously, how it makes them feel, they’re going to say frustrated because they just told you about it. So, if you do something like that by asking, does it make you feel angry?
Yes, it probably does lead to anger but unless you use the term anger, they may not make that connection. They may just answer ‘frustrated’ because they just told you that.
So, make sure that when you are asking questions you are specific in your line of questioning. You need to be detailed so that they know exactly what you are communicating to them and what you’re looking for.
We talked about that in the entire deception tip of its own, Deception Tip number 83, Be Precise. We spoke about being precise in your line of questioning because unless you’re very specific, liars may twist it around or give you non-answers or different things that aren’t related to what your question was.
Therefore, make sure that when you are taking this stuff, you’re identifying with their feelings, and you reflect it back to them. Reflect it back to them with a specific question that gives them the opportunity to give you a narrative response. You’re looking for an explanation, your goal is to get them talking even more.
So, if the liar is being uncooperative, maybe they haven’t given you too much or they haven’t said too much, you can still identify with them. You can still identify with whatever they’ve said even if it’s not a feeling but they said that something happened. Don’t be afraid to step out of the comfort zone a little bit and start to identify with things even if they don’t really identify with you.
Remember, we talked about how important it is to relate to liars and that when you relate to them they may be more apt to tell you stuff because they feel like you guys have something in common, that was Deception Tip number 84.
Again, you need to be careful what you want to relate to though, because if they say, ‘yeah, I had such a great time, I broke the window on the storefront before running through, oh man, what a rush that was.’
You say, ‘wow, yeah, a rush, that must’ve been great.’ Wait a minute, now you’re starting to identify with the crime they committed which is what you’re trying to prevent or what you’re trying to get the truth out of, so be careful what you’re identifying with. Again, that’s why you need to be very detailed and specific in your relating language and questioning.
So, if they say, ‘wow, what a rush’ you could say, ‘you know what, I remember one time that I when skydiving’, you may have never gone skydiving. ‘I felt this heart-pounding, my body was shaking, I was sweating and I thought my heart was going to just blow right out of my body, it was a huge rush. Was that something like what you felt?’ That’s a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question but it relates to their rush.
They’re going to probably say, yeah, it felt like whatever or if they just say yes, say, ‘well, tell me how it felt for you, what did your body feel like?’ Now they’re going to open up and speak all about the physical symptoms of whatever their adrenaline rush is.
So, that’s how you can do it, make sure you’re identifying with something that is more positive rather than whatever it is you’re trying to prevent or the wrongdoing.
You don’t want to identify with that, if you identify with that, they’re starting to blur the lines and they don’t know. Wait a minute, if he’s identifying with this but yet I might be in trouble for doing it but he’s done it, well, why would I be in trouble for doing it? They’ll get confused, the black and white will now become gray. As you know, it is already gray but you need to make it as black and white as possible.
It needs to be completely separated and distinguished so that they will be able to tell the difference, they need to know right from wrong in that instance. You’re telling them what’s wrong, you’re telling them what’s right and the things you identify with the need to be things that not only keep them talking and make them feel like they relate to you but also they need to be things that are just, moral and right, they can’t be the wrongdoing things.
So, I know this is a lot and it’s tricky with how to rephrase and come up with those questions, it sounds very easy in this podcast. Remember, I don’t use a script in here, everything is free-flowing right out of my mind and straight to you. That’s why there are occasionally a few stutters or mess-ups but the language is natural. Those responses, yes, I came up with them on the spot but I also dictated the scenario, so it is a little easier.
However, when you’re speaking with somebody, don’t be afraid to practice this. Yes, it’s going to sound odd, you’re going to be uncomfortable, it’s going to be a little abnormal because we don’t speak like this in everyday language. Why? Because people generally don’t care, we don’t care about other people, we just want to say what we want to say.
Therefore, when you start speaking like this, you are going to appear that you care, so it’s going to be a little bit different. When you all of a sudden start saying, when your neighbors telling you about their dog or their house or something, you say, ‘wow, that’s a big task. One time we had to do the shingles on my roof and I was finding nails for months’.
‘What are you doing about it or what does your wife think about that? Are you worried about your dog stepping in the nails?’ When you start asking these questions, they’re going to be like, wow, what the heck is going on because you haven’t spoken like that to them before, but it is important. So, practice it and get the hang of it because when it is needed, when you are detecting deception it will really help.
So, I want to thank you for listening to this week’s episode of the Deception Tips podcast. I hope that you’ll share it with your friends, subscribe to the feed, check out the Deception Tips videos, the blog and take a look at the books I have available, and, as always, tune in next week for a new deception tip.
Hey guys, my name is Spencer Coffman, thank you for watching the Deception Tips videos. They’re all about teaching you how to read people and detect deception so that you will be able to tell if someone is lying to you. Today, we’re going to talk about a tactic that you can use to keep liars talking. You want them to talk and the reason you want them to talk is because you are trying to get to the bottom of whatever it is they are saying.
If they’re telling a lie, you want them to talk. Why? Well, because you want to hear the lie, you also want them to keep talking and hopefully, trip up so that you can get to the truth. You want them to talk because as they’re telling that lie, there will always be more than one sign and they will continue to display patterns and clusters of behavior that you can then use to determine whether or not they are lying.
So, here it is, this is Deception Tip number 97. Keep liars talking by identifying with their feelings then reflecting it back to them with a question. So, it’s important to keep them talking, you need to build rapport with them when doing this. We’ve talked about this before in Deception Tip number 84.
You can check it out in a card here on Relating Language and how it’s important to relate to them and with them and have them relate to you so that you build that rapport and get them to continue talking. Another thing that’s very important is once you have them talking, you need to keep them talking. How do you keep them talking? Well, the really easy thing is you need to be quiet.
So, get them talking and you need to identify with their feelings. If you’re talking to them and you say, well, how did it feel when this happened or what does this? They say, man, it’s just, I can’t do this anymore, it’s really hard for me to continue and you say, I understand, it may be stressful.
You don’t know it’s stressful, but if they say stuff like that, obviously, it must be stressful. So, you say, man, it must be very stressful for you. You identified with their feeling, this tells them that you listened to them, they didn’t say they were stressed, but you interpreted that. So, you say, I understand, it may be very stressful, what do you do to help you relieve the stress or how did the stress get relieved or what are you doing as a result of this stress?
You’re reflecting it back to them as a question and then for them, they’re like, wow, they listened to me, they understand how I’m feeling and now they want to know more so they must care about me. You may not even care, you may just be trying to find the truth, but in their mind, this whole thing is like, wow, this is cool, so then they will tell you more, but they will only tell you more if you be quiet.
We’ve talked about this a lot, a lot of tips that we’ve talked about, Staying Silent, Becoming Silent, there are a few others that we’ve discussed on how important it is to be quiet. You need to be quiet so that they continue talking, it’s very, very important that you do that. Listen to them, use this in order to get more out of them.
When they’re speaking, you could be doing anything else, you could be sitting in there. You could twiddle your thumbs, you could look up, you could look down, you could look all around the room, the main thing is though, you need to listen to their entire story. We’ve talked about this before, you’ll see it in a little card, it’ll pop up, the entire story.
Then once they’ve finished, now you can come in and ask them another question. Your goal is to build rapport by listening and then interpreting and identifying with a feeling and then asking them a question based upon that feeling. Listen to their entire response while you watch them for more signs of deception and body language to occur.
So, if this is your first time watching these videos, I’d love to have you subscribe to the channel on YouTube. Feel free to comment with any questions you may have as well. Also, if you’d like some more information, we have books, podcasts, and blog posts all available on spencercoffman.com that are dedicated to teaching you exactly what every body is really saying.
Until next time.